I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
