just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
