we have pet lesbian snakes
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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