I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
