I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize