Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize