I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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