my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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