in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
