Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
