Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
