that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
