How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
