When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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