you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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