Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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