I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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