last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
