We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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