Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
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