just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
two words: eviction party
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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