sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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