I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
