you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
