i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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