Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
