my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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