Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I AM VODKA MAN
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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