my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I stole a fireplace last night.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
