i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
