I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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