just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
