yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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