i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
