this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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