It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
