if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
