I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
