It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
