On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
The best revenge is premature balding
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
