finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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