gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
