Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
