Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
