my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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