The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
