My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
