My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
