Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
