bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
