the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
