I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Alive.
So much puke
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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