He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize