I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Floor bacon is actually really good
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
