some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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