On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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