he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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