did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
