Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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