I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
